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21 Years of Drinking - By Larry
My use of alcohol began
during the end of the first year of college. I had been under
lots of stress during the term because it was the end of a
"weed out" semester. Some faculty did things to make
people quit, give up, become frustrated, and make students' lives
difficult. It all caught up with me a week or so after the term
ended. I was feeling agitated, worried, and most disturbing had
terrible insomnia set in. In retrospect, I know this was a
depression, brought about by the preceding months of stress. As
is often the case, one toughs something out, only to find the
emotional toll set in after the crisis-post traumatic stress.
I was 20, and in my teens had occasionally had an alcoholic
drink. But it just never "took", I guess I didn't get
anything out of it. My dad had been a social drinker, and was of
the "cocktail' generation, where use of liquor was accepted.
Growing up, we always had a well-stocked liquor cabinet in the
house. And my dad would usually end the day with a few drinks in
the evening. I guess I didn't see the bad side of alcohol
addiction growing up. Alcohol use was acceptable to me, while use
of other drugs was something that I had learned to avoid at all
costs. Of course, we know now that alcohol and cigarettes cause
the most in social costs, broken lives, and early death-easily as
destructive as any opium or cocaine addiction.
During this bout of insomnia and depression I turned to alcohol
for the first time, as a means of self-medication. Early medical
intervention may have been effective if it had been immediate.
However, I didn't get the help I needed, indeed, I really didn't
consciously admit (or know) that I had a "problem" at
all-much less one that deserved medical attention. There was a
bottle of rum in the house. At bedtime, I fixed myself a drink;
iced tea with a dash of rum (it tasted really badly); a sensation
of pleasure filled my body. My toes tingled. The booze felt warm
in my stomach. It was a sense of abandon, a rush of confidence.
With this first drink at that time I was hooked-that was it; I
knew this was gonna be a big part of my life for a long time. And
indeed, 21 years later I'm sad to say it still is.
Through my drinking career, I've always kept it limited in
duration and time of day-always at night, when I'm alone and at
home. When I'm away, I'll sneak drinks in my bedroom at night. I
never liked "letting my guard down" in a social
setting. I don't like being around people when they're drunk or
high. I've had my share of hangovers, though. And I've most
likely missed out on things due to my need to get a liquor supply
on a regular basis. I almost always use the same amount of
liquor, and have not ever thrown up while or after drinking. I
have never had alcohol and then operated a car.
It has effected my emotional stability (or instability); I'm
concerned about the effects of my drinking on my depressive
illness and anxiety disorder (things I had well before I ever
began to drink). I can't say for sure how much alcohol has
impeded the effects of the antidepressant medication I've been on
for 3 years. However, I will say that this med has really helped
me quite a bit, and it's helped me loose the social phobia I had
for the first 30 years of my life even though I still drink. My
psychiatrist became aware only recently that I had a drinking
problem-cause I admitted it to her; I don't show signs of being
an alcoholic. I'm well nourished, fairly fit, well educated, a
professional (architect) with peers who respect me would never
imagine this "other" side of me.
But I'm single. If I had a wife or full-time partner, she would
soon find out about me. I don't know if my need to be with
someone could be so great as to make me abandon a way of life
I've come to know (and sometimes even like). I like to think it
would, and that love can conquer anything-even though I know the
track record of alcohol abusing couples is really bad. But I
romanticize this as I do, often, my drinking. After all, great
people used (and abused) alcohol. Writers, artists, scientists,
musicians, composers, doctors. Great political figures who we
have come to revere. The list goes on and on. Of course, I don't
think about the unfortunate I see at a stop light, going from car
to car, dirty and ill clothed, begging for change-not to get
clean but to get a 6-pack of beer or bottle of cheap wine. Such
is the nature of this illness. One tends not to accept it for
what it is; out of fear, out of being afraid that to admit it to
oneself will-worse of all--come between myself and my drinking.
My doctor won't prescribe ReVia for me. She says it's effective
mostly for binge drinkers. And I'm not of great religious faith,
although I was raised in the Lutheran Church. I guess my greatest
strengths are my love for art, architecture, and music. Along
with this, I have people around me who have always been there,
and been supportive of me at times of need. One can only hope
that the illness will not progress to such a point that I
alienate these loved ones. Such is the greatest tragedy of
alcohol addiction (or any chemical addiction problem).
The Internet is filled with stories of drinkers whose lives
didn't turn out so well cause of their addiction. Lost families,
careers, friends, money problems-it just builds until you find
yourself very alone, empty, with little self-esteem. Too bad
there is a stigma attached to addiction problems. If not, we
could all be more open, less concerned about reproach from those
who can't understand what it's like to be an addict, and no doubt
better treatments would come on-line.
Anyway, this is my story. 21 years of drinking. I'm still a young
man. Technically (and statistically) I have about another 40
years to live. I'm in good health, fairly active, have not had
such a bow dealt to me by life that I feel the need to submerge
myself in a bottle. But what of the future? No one, I suppose,
can say. Even though the statistics are not on my side in this
thing. What's "best" for me is still something I don't
want to deal with.
Oh well. No one is perfect, I suppose. I'm gonna just take it
from day to day right now. Maybe something will come along that
slaps me in the head.
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