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Recovery Humor:
CAN I GET A PUSH?
A man and his wife are
awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on
the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger standing in the pouring rain asks for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband. "It’s three
o’clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns
to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn’t-it’s three in the morning and
it’s pouring out!"
"Well, you’ve got a short memory" says his wife.
"Can’t you remember about three months ago when we
broke down on a holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you
should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the
pounding rain and calls out into the dark: "Hello, are you
still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing" the drunk replies.
BEER DRINKING TROUBLESHOOTING TIPS - Submitted by Katherine F.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and
wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
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SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
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SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
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SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
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SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
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SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
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SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
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SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
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SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
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SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
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SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're
in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
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SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
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SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
A MILLION BUCKS- Submitted
by Chadler C.
A drunk
was walking down the beach when he came accross a genie lamp.
Being somewhat skeptical, the drunk half-heartedly rubbed the
lamp. To
his amazement there was a puff of blue smoke, and a genie
appeared!
"You now have one wish", said the Genie.
"But I thought I got three", protested the drunk.
"You've been watching too much TV" said the genie.
"Now make it quick!"
"In that case, I'll take a MILLION BUCKS!"
In an instant there was another puff of smoke and the genie, as
well as
the lamp, were gone. Surrounding the drunk were ducks, as far as
the eye
could see.
First furious, then utterly depressed, the drunk walked aimlessly
for
miles down the beach followed by an endless procession of ducks.
Finally, in the distance, he saw the bright neon lights of an
ocean-side
bar. "Now, that's what I need!" he thought to himself.
And, doing what
came naturally, he went inside to drown his sorrows. As he sat
down at
the bar another gentleman, noticing the ducks, said "Hey
pal, what
gives?"
"Oh this stupid genie is hard of hearing! I actually asked
for a million
BUCKS!"
"I see", said the second man. "You know, I once
found a genie lamp too!"
"Really?" said the drunk. "What did you get?"
The second man pulled a small piano out of his pocket, then a
miniature
stool. Finally he took a one-foot-tall man out of his pocket who
sat
down and started playing bar songs.
"That's something else! But why did you ask for that?"
inquired the
drunk.
"Come on..." responded the second man, "You don't
REALLY think I asked
for a 12-inch pianist do you?"
THE BUFFALO THEORY - Submitted by Aaron W.
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
BOND-AGE
Q: What's the difference between drunks and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.
NICE WEINER
At lunch time, a recovering alcoholic decides to pay a visit to his new sponsee, who sells hot dogs from a push cart. "Make me one with everything," says the sponsor.
The sponsee fixes up a hot dog with all the trimmings and hands it to the sponsor, who pays with a \\$20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
"Where's my change?" asks the sponsor.
The sponsee responds, "Change must come from within."
WARNING!!
Maybe "truth in labeling" laws should apply to the warnings the government puts on alcoholic beverages.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone at four o'clock in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay things like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK of him while you are photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".
Shot Down
Drunk: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
Please Flush!
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and sqeezes the hell out of my balls," replies the drunk.
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop wringer bucket!"
A drunk's guide for cooking a Thanksgiving or Christmas turkey
Step 1 : Go buy a turkey
Step 2 : Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3 : Put turkey in the oven
Step 4 : Take another two drinks of whiskey
Step 5 : Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6 : Take three more whiskeys of drink
Step 7 : Turn oven the on
Step 8 : Take four whisks of drinkey
Step 9 : Turk the bastey
Step 10 : Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11 : Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12 : Glass yourself another pour of whiskey
Step 13 : Bake the whiskey for four hours
Step 14 : Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15 : Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16 : Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17 : Turk the carvey
Step 18 : Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19 : Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20 : Bless the saying, pass and eat out.
Barroom translation guide
You get this one, next round is on me.
We won't be here long enough to get another round.
I'll get this one, next one is on you.
Happy hour is about to end. Drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be \\$4.50 a pop.
Who's got the next round?
I haven't bought a round in three years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
Hey, where is that friend of yours?
I have no interest in talking to you, except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
Can I get a glass of white zinfandel? (female)
I'm easy.
Can I get a glass of white zinfandel? (male)
I'm gay.
Ever try a body shot? (male to female)
I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
Ever try a body shot? (female to male)
If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home.
I don't feel well. Let's go home. (female)
You are paying more attention to your friends than to me.
I don't feel well. Let's go home. (male)
I'm horny.
Excuse me. (male to male)
Get the hell out of the way.
Excuse me. (male to female)
I am going to grope you now.
Excuse me. (female to male)
Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.
Excuse me. (female to female)
Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are, anyway? You are not that great lookin', missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here, dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.
What do you have on tap?
What's cheap?
That person looks really familiar.
Did I sleep with him/her?
Can I just get a glass of water? (female)
I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.
I don't have my ID on me. (female)
I'm 19.
I don't have my ID on me. (male)
I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.3 after my last run-in with the cops
ROBBERY
What did man do in court when he stood accused of breaking into a liquor store? He took the fifth.
THE TRUE ALCOHOLIC
A new comer asked his sponsor about the difference between a non-alcoholic, a potential-alcoholic, and the hopeless-alcoholic, explaining that he was confused by this terminology in the Big Book. So the sponsor took the new comer to the raunchiest bar in town. Upon arriving, they stopped out back and sifted through the dumpster for flies. This seemed strange to the sponsee, but he did not question the old-timer. When they had collected enough dead flies they entered the bar. Soon a fight broke out, and everyone in the bar rushed over to watch it, except for the two AA's. The sponsor began dropping flies into beers at the bar. When the fight broke up everyone returned to their seats. One man picked up his beer, noticed the fly, and promptly asked the bartender for another draft. "That", said the sponsor "is what we call a non-alcoholic." A second man sat down, noticed the fly in his drink, tossed it aside, and drank his beer anyway. "That's what we call a potential-alcoholic", said the sponsor. The newcomer then said "If that's only a POTENTIAL-alcoholic, then what the hell is a hopeless-alcoholic?" Before he could finish a third man sat down at the bar, picked the fly out of his beer, held it up to his face, and yelled "SPIT IT OUT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! SPIT IT OUT!!!"
OPEN GRAVE
A drunk fell into an open grave in the middle of winter and was calling out, "Help. I'm freezing!"Another drunk wandered by and called down, "No wonder.... you kicked all your dirt off."
TRACKS
Two drunks were walking along a railroad track. One says, "All these stairs are killing me." The other says, "It's not the stairs that kill me, it's these low railings."
LOOK OUT!
A drunk staggering in the street was struck by a passing car. The driver slammed on the brakes, jumped out and looking back at the drunk shouted, Look out!" The drunk raised his head and asked, "Why? You gonna back up?"
FUZZY MATH
A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints. The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back.... One, Two, Three. "Two pintsh, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him. Down they go.... One, Two. As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the glass. The bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."
ONE WAY
A drunken guy was driving down a one way street the wrong way, a cop stopped him and asked "didn't you see the arrows?" The drunk driver replied "Arrows, Hell I didn't even see the Indians."
HOW TO AVOID A DUI
Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the kerb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible."Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy".
BLOWING CHUNKS
Three guys come into work Monday morning, each bragging about how drunk they were over the weekend. The first says, "I was so drunk Saturday I was blowing chunks all night." The second says, "That's nothing. I was so drunk that I blacked out, tried to drive home, and wound up spending Sunday in jail." The third then says "Big deal. I got so drunk this weekend that I picked up a hooker, brought her home, and was banging her on the kitchen counter when my wife walked in on us." The first guy then interupts and says, "But you dont understand... Chunks is my dog."
COWBOY LOGIC
One day in Dodge City, a cowboy rides into town. He pulls up outside the saloon, gets off of his horse, and ties him up to the hitchin post. He then walks around back of it, lifts the tail and kisses the horses backside with puckered lips. He then walks into the saloon. Across the street an oldtimer can't believe what he has just seen, so he rushes across the street and bursts into the saloon where he sees the cowboy drinking at the bar. "Hey mister" he says, "did you just kiss your hoss' ass?" "Yup" says the cowboy. The oldtimer says, "if you don't mind me askin, why'd you do that? "Cuz I got chapped lips," says the cowboy "And kissin your hoss' ass cures chapped lips?" "Nope" says the cowboy, "but it sure keeps me from lickin em."
BRIDGING THE GAP BETWEEN OA AND AA
A tuna fish sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
CORNY
Two guys walk into a bar. The third ducks.
CORNIER (Is that a word?)
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
AFRAID NOT
Three pieces of string are standing outside a bar. There is a sign that says "No strings served." The first string says, "Well, I'll get served, watch." So he walks into the bar. He saunters up to the bar and says,"I'll have a beer please." The bartender says,"We don't serve strings here. Get out!" So the second string says, "Well, I'll get served watch." So he walks into the bar. He strolls up to he bar and says, "I'll have a beer please." The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here. Get out!" Finally the third string says, "I'll get served." He messes up his hair, twists himself around and goes Into the bar. He strolls up to the bar and says, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Say, aren't you a string?" He replies, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
MORE CORNBALL HUMOR
This duck walks into a bar. The bartender says,"What'll ya have?" He says, "I'll have a Shirley Temple." After he drinks it, the bartender says,"That'll be \\$2.50 buddy." The duck replies, "Oh I don't have any money. Just put it on my bill."
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HEAD?
A head rolls into a bar. It says to the guy sitting at the bar, "Hey bud, can you put me up on the bar?" So the guy picks the head up and puts it on the bar. The head says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer with a straw in it!" So the bartender gives the head the drink and the head drinks it down. Suddenly he grows two arms. The head says, "Wow! This beer works magic, gimme another!" So the bartender gives him another drink, he drinks it down and grows two legs, and he says "Holy cow! now I have a full body!! Gimme another!" The bartender complies, he drinks it, and explodes! The moral of the story is quit while you are ahead.
DRUNK LOGIC
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, becase I don't think children should be having sex
ADDICT LOGIC
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
A DRUNK IN THE WOODS
A drunk was walking through the woods when he found a skull. The first thing He did was call the police. But then He got curious about it. He picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why this person had deer horns.
CHECK UP
A drunk walks into a Doctors. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Whats the matter with me?" he asked. "You're not eating properly." replied the Doctor.
THE COMMITTEE AT WORK
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
THE CONTEST
A man walks into a bar and notices a 100-dollar bill in a frame above the bar. He asks the barkeep, "Was that the first hundred you made?" "No", replied the bartender. "That's for a contest we have but no one's ever won." "I want to play", said the man. "Well", said the barkeep, "There are three parts to this contest: The first thing you have to do is knock out that bouncer over there. Only one man has ever done that. The second thing you have to do is go out back. I have a pit-bull out there with a loose tooth. You have to pull that tooth out. The guy who knocked out my bouncer ended up in the hospital when he tried that one. Finally, you have to make love to that 400-pound woman sitting at the back of the bar."Upon hearing the third requirement, the man said "No thanks, I'll pass". However, after a good amount of drinking the man reconsidered and yelled to the barkeep "Bring it on! What's first?" "The bouncer" said the bartender. Upon hearing this, the man promptly walked over to the bouncer and laid him out with one punch."Impressive! Now for the pit-bull", said the bartender. The man went out back. For about five minutes all that could be heard was barking and crashing, and finally a dog's whimper. The man walked back into the bar proudly and, zipping up his pants, said "Now where's that fat bitch with the loose tooth?"
