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STEPKEEPER
I was brought up in an alcoholic
household. My mother was a nightclub singer and hostess for a
renowned tennis club. Her love was Seagram Seven on the rocks.
She was always bringing drunks over to the house and as a kid I
remember vividly picking many of her friends up off the floor. I
also remember a lot of the drama which unfolded when my parents
would argue constantly. My room was next to the living room so I
heard a lot. My parents would entertain a lot. The sound and
noises emanating from drunks would permeate the walls going into
my room. It was always very loud.
At the age of 16, my dad died from a lingering liver disease
which ate away his physique and dignity. He had been a world's
tennis professional, having won the Wimbledon tournament back in
the mid-thirties. Here was a world-class athlete and my hero who
happened to die in his prime. I was shattered and angry. I drank
over this for many years, hating the world for being so cruel. My
anger was fueled with alcohol.
In high school, I managed to get good grades. Sometimes I would
drink before, during, or after school. I was a functional drunk
and a periodic drinker at that.
I left home at 18, quit college, got a job in the hotel business,
and got married. My drinking was escalating but I still managed
to function and work daily. When I was promoted to hotel manager,
the perks of the job would often include wining and dining
guests. This was tantamount to a kid in a candy store. I felt
like I had a key-to-the-city! Drinking was becoming an almost
daily ritual. My disease was truly progressing but my denial was
firmly in place.
By the third year of marriage, we had two sons. My wife, Marilyn,
would often became the target of my anger and unhappiness. I
found myself creating situations in order to justify my drinking.
I was good at verbal abuse and could turn anything into an
argument for the sake of conflict. She complained that I was
always coming home late at night, smelling from booze. She
wondered where all the money had gone. I had already accumulated
much debt and was spending a lot on booze. My uncontrollable
anger was scaring the family. The pressures of trying to raise a
family were taking a toll on both of us. The wife demanded that I
get treatment for alcoholism but I refused.
She finally threatened divorce which prompted me to stop drinking
for the sake of our marriage. I didn't need any help
however...from any person, organization, or doctor. I went to a
few AA meetings just to appease her but I would become sober on
my own willpower. (too stubborn to ask for help) For almost a
year, I was sober.... on pure willpower. This, I learned later in
life, was my indoctrination to being a "dry drunk".
During that year my marriage had improved. I really felt that I
could better manage my drinking this time around. I would prove
it to her. I would switch from vodka to beer and just "cut
back". Farewell to sobriety. Six months into my relapse, it
was farewell to the marriage. Divorce proceedings had started.
In a last ditch effort to reconcile, my wife and I agreed to take
a geographic. She agreed to move the family to Lake Tahoe and
start over. I promised I would stop drinking. I quit my job of
eight years and we moved. On our second day in Tahoe, she left me
a note on a paper plate saying that she had taken the kids back
to San Diego. She later admitted that it was a ploy to get me a
thousand miles away from her. It also provided her the
opportunity to continue her relationship with someone else she
had been seeing during our marriage. I was mentally, physically,
and spiritually bankrupt. I remember walking along Highway 50 and
wanting to hurl my body in front of traffic. By the grace of God,
I went to a phone booth and found an AA meeting instead. The
fellowship helped me get through those dark moments and I soon
returned back to San Diego after having sold the wedding ring to
provide gas money.
Back in San Diego without a job or home, I moved in with mom. A
few months later, I had unbelievable fate. I ran into my first
girlfriend, Judy, who I hadn't seen in over ten years. She was
visiting her mom for the holidays and we just "bumped"
into each other. Judy was living in Idaho at the time and had
been in a sour relationship. We started seeing each other again.
I was still drinking, but I thought I could handle this
relationship and drinking differently. Judy agreed to stay in San
Diego with me and end her other relationship. We rented an office
and moved in together. We eventually upgraded to an apartment.
Soon thereafter, my ex-wife decided to move to Lake Tahoe with
her boyfriend and left the kids with us. Judy now had an
"instant family" with all the pressures of motherhood
transferred to her. Along with these demands, Judy was
experiencing my temper bouts fueled with alcohol. She was
beginning to experience a household wrought by alcoholism. When I
was in a rage, I would become verbally abusive and start
destroying the house. Everyone was afraid of me when I was
raging.
There were also times when I would vacillate between my ex-wife
and Judy. I would break-up the relationship with Judy and go back
to Marilyn and vice versa. The insanity continued. My disease was
taking over and I was going to lose everything once again. The
trust I had established with Judy was diminishing. I realized
that my pattern was continuing. My life was unmanageable. Unless
I made a decision to change, my life would continue to face
perpetual disaster.
My last drunk was in the summer of 1980. I went to pick-up Judy
at work. She had to stay later than usual so I meandered over to
a nearby liquor store. The clerk would not allow me to write a
check for a bottle of beer so I became belligerent. The police
were called three times that night to remove me from the store.
The third time they arrested me. Judy convinced them to release
me. My last drunk was not particularly earth-shattering but it
represented a culmination of everything that had transpired
before in my life. My attitude, anger, and other assorted
character defects were constantly re-surfacing. I was truly sick
and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted change.
Judy was also pregnant at the time and I desperately wanted to
make a better life for my new family. We set a marriage date for
October. I made a decision to surrender to the disease of
alcoholism that summer prior to our marriage. But this time it
was going to be different. Willpower alone could not change my
alcoholic ways. I tried that before and it didn't work. I needed
to get into the fellowship of AA ASAP!
I was willing to go to any lengths to get sobriety and did what
the fellowship advised me to do--shut up and listen. I could
easily identify with others in the program and liked the fact
that they were not pressuring me to quit. They convinced me that
all I could handle was a day at a time. I soon learned that I had
to accept a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity. I
was ready to accept the program. Everyone in AA kept telling me
that things would get better.
I spent the first few years in AA burying myself in service work.
This proved to be invaluable for me because it insured my going
to meetings on a regular basis. I would make coffee, get
literature, and became secretary of the biggest speaker's meeting
in San Diego. I had new friends and a new way of living. I felt
for the first time that I actually "fit in" and
"belonged" in this group. AA bumper stickers and
serenity prayers adorned every possession. I was truly
"hooked" on AA! Everyone kept telling that "things
would get better". It didn't happen overnight but gradually
things did get better. The "hole" in my stomach which
used to be filled with fear and anger was being replaced with
"peace" found through faith and tolerance.
My life today could not be any better. I recently celebrated 19
years of sobriety, all one day at a time. I was given a second
chance at life and I am extremely grateful that I am here today
to share and help others achieve sobriety. I still find that
getting involved in the program is the best way to keep sober. AA
is a maintenance program and regular weekly meetings are my best
insurance that I won't take that first drink. My hope is to help
others achieve sobriety. I know that I can't keep it (sobriety)
unless I give it away.
Judy and I now have three children. Presently, one of our biggest
challenges is helping our kids become aware of this "family
disease". My 23 year old son, Tim, is also a recovering
alcoholic/addict and has five years of sobriety thanks to this
program. He had spent a year in a live-in rehab and now attends
AA regularly. My teenage daughter, Lisa, is also "one of
us" and just recently returned from a recovery home based in
Louisiana. I am very proud of her presently as she will soon
celebrate nine months of sobriety, all one day at a time. The
task is far from over as I have two other kids coming up the
ranks. This disease of alcoholism is too cunning, baffling, and
powerful to let me ever take a rest or sit on my laurels for too
long. The daily battle of this disease is still very much alive
in our household. It never stops but there is always hope.
As of this writing (Sept. 1999), I have experienced another
miracle in my life. Earlier this year, I had faced the
possibility of colon cancer. I had two tumors removed but luckily
they were both benign. The program of AA helped get me through
the fears of this illness and made be more determined to get
involved in service work this time around. I believe that my
Higher Power wants to keep me around a little longer in order for
me to do more twelve step work.
Take the first step and surrender to this disease. Things will
get better. Trust in that fact and get ready for a new beginning
and a journey that will bring you happiness, peace, and serenity.
You will not be disappointed.
In Sobriety,
Stepkeeper